How To “Make It” In The Music Biz

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[Editor's note: People were like "How do I make it in the music industry??" and we were all like "We don't know!" and they were all like "Well figure it out??" and we were all like "Fine -_-" ]

1) BE A DJ

Save yourself the trouble of learning an instrument - it’s rather impractical these days, as computer sounds are much easier to make and much more preferable according to "modern tastes". If you even still own an actual real-life instrument, go ahead and set it on fire right now. It’s only going to hurt you in the end.

2) BE RICH

Your chances of recognition and financial success are drastically improved if you’re already rich to begin with. Before you even start to make any money as a musician, there’s already a towering heap of expenses, especially if you’re in an actual band. Transportation, equipment, rehearsal space, recording costs and food/alcohol/drugs can set you back quite a bit. Even after you start making some money, the pay is hopelessly inadequate and you will first have to claw your way through an oblivion of “exposure” gigs to make a decent wage.

3) BE GOOD AT FELLATIO

What do Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber all have in common? One thing’s for sure, it’s not remarkable mind-boggling talent. Ever wonder why the most commercially successful musicians these days also happen to be the most beautiful people on earth? Me neither.

4) BE GENERIC, BUT NOT TOO GENERIC

Don’t expect to get your songs played on the radio if there isn’t already an established market. In show biz talk, ‘market’ is a fancy word for a thousand other bands that sound like you and have already made lots of money. The trick is to sound generic enough to fit into the mould, but just unique enough to establish your own brand. Is your sound too soft for alternative and too hard for adult contemporary? Then hang on to that day job because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

5) KNOW YOUR PLACE

Get one thing straight, bud. You’re not an artist. You’re a dancing clown puppet who helps bars and venues sell more alcohol. The sooner you come to terms with it the better. Nobody cares about your self-righteous message of pesky morality. If your music doesn't make people want to get drunk, have sex, and then go back to a job they hate to make enough money to have more drunken sex, then you better run back to the Amish farm where you belong because you have no chance in the music industry, and you’re probably also a communist.

So there it is -- the secret to "success". Congratulations! You just avoided a lifetime of poverty and heartache at the hands of that career-killing nuisance known as integrity. Just stick to these handy guidelines and you’ll be at the top of the "charts" in no time.

ISCREAMFLAVORSMike Brown